Self-regulation for adults: Strategies for getting a handle on emotions and behavior

Everyone feels unpleasant emotions now and then - anger, jealousy, fear, anxiety. That is human nature. But a key to a satisfying life, and to getting along with others, is managing your emotions and behavior even under stress. One route there is self-regulation.

What is self-regulation?

Self-regulation is the practice of steering your behaviors, thoughts, emotions, choices, and impulses. These skills help you keep negative emotions in check and think before you react - in essence, a form of self-control or emotion regulation.

Negative emotions are disruptive: they can undercut your happiness, productivity, and relationships. You cannot always avoid negative feelings, but you can change how you respond to them.

Self-regulation draws on:

Emotional stability

Self-discipline

Flexibility in adapting to different situations

Persistence through tough times

Strong personal values that guide your reactions and decisions.

People with strong self-regulation still feel sad, angry, or stressed during hard times - they have simply learned to handle those challenges better.

Why is self-regulation important?

Faced with distressing or challenging situations, people who self-regulate well can hold a measured outlook and respond with thoughtfulness and maturity.

Good emotion regulation also tracks with healthier behaviors and better overall health. Habits linked to self-regulation include staying physically active, eating well, and not smoking.

On the flip side, people who are emotionally dysregulated carry high levels of stress and anxiety that can erode physical and mental health. Conditions associated with poor regulation include being more sedentary, carrying excess weight, and having high blood pressure and other stress-related problems.

Your own self-regulation skills are especially valuable if you are a parent teaching them to children, from toddlers through teenagers.

Techniques for improving self-regulation

Sharpening your emotion regulation skills prepares you for obstacles big and small throughout life.

Self-regulation begins with exploring and understanding your own behaviors, emotional reactions, and impulses. Do certain environments or people reliably trigger you? Are you reacting to something from your past rather than the situation in front of you? From there, you weigh the consequences of possible responses and consciously choose the ones most likely to lead to a positive outcome.

Mindfulness and cognitive behavioral strategies are two ways to build this capacity.

Mindfulness and self-regulation

Mindfulness plays a strong role in self-regulation. It means focusing your awareness on the breath, then widening it openly to passing thoughts, calming them by resting your attention on the present moment without judgment.

A mindfulness practice helps you appreciate life's simple pleasures. Then, when stressful situations arrive, you can draw on those feelings of peace and satisfaction to keep your emotions under control - gradually building your capacity to handle problems.

Cognitive behavioral strategies for self-regulation

Cognitive behavioral strategies reduce the internal drivers of emotional dysregulation by replacing unhelpful thoughts and behaviors with constructive ones. These techniques are often taught with a therapist, but they can be practiced at home too.

They include identifying and naming your emotions; understanding what is driving them, which may involve distorted thinking or catastrophizing; and learning to let painful feelings pass. You might also review regrettable responses you have had to past stressful situations and swap those behaviors for positive alternatives.

Practical tips for daily self-regulation

Self-regulation can be learned and improved. One practical tool is the four-step Stop-Breathe-Reflect-Choose approach:

When upsetting emotions rise, tell yourself to calm down and think clearly.

Relax by taking slow, deep breaths, counting to 10, or going for a walk.

Hold off reacting until you feel your emotions are under control.

Then think about responding deliberately, rather than simply reacting.